A War In My Mind

My journey has been a tapestry woven with both joy and struggle. Growing up in a happy home, I never anticipated that the roots of my trauma would trace back to my childhood, a time I perceived as carefree and problem-free.

Fast forward to my present life, marked by numerous near-death experiences that have left me questioning why such struggles have been a part of my narrative. Despite being a prayerful individual, I find myself grappling with the 'why me' question, especially when comparing my life to others who seem untouched by adversity.

The saying 'do good, and good things will happen' echoes in my mind, yet I find myself wondering why, despite my positive actions, life has thrown these challenges my way. The wisdom that 'there are things in life you may not comprehend now, but only God understands' has become a guiding light, reminding me of my imperfections and the unpredictability of life.

As I navigate the severe trauma diagnosed as PTSD, stemming from a life-threatening ordeal during childbirth, I sense God's whisper in the events that unfold. Despite being a bubbly and free-spirited individual, I recognize that God is unveiling unseen aspects of my character, perhaps explaining the 45-minute brush with death during a medical emergency.

My arrival in Canada, initially envisioned as a dream life, took a different turn. Struggling as a caregiver despite being a licensed nurse, I faced backstabbing and betrayal from unexpected quarters. Moving on became a necessary step, yet the scars of past betrayals and lost opportunities lingered.

The anxiety and fear I carry daily, especially regarding my family's safety, have roots in a childhood trauma I discovered through therapy. The constant battle in my mind, triggered by past experiences, manifests in anxiety attacks, depression, and a struggle to find hope.

Trust issues with healthcare professionals, a battle between knowledge and trust, have influenced my decision to not pursue a nursing career in Canada. The scars on my body serve as constant reminders of past pain, contributing to a pervasive pessimism that taints my daily experiences.

Despite the darkness, I've realized that God's purpose in my struggles is to strengthen my faith and reveal His boundless love. Gratitude for the blessings, including a Western life, a loving family, and unexpected gifts, keeps me grounded. Accepting the diagnosis of PTSD was a journey in itself, and I'm still undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to manage it without medication.

Through it all, God's message seems clear – to cherish the time with my family, learn from past hardships, and serve Him with gratitude for the gift of life. My mission is to turn the pain into a source of strength, spreading love and kindness in the face of adversity.