My Body Keeps Scores

My body keeps score. 

I saw this book that I am currently reading

about trauma and patients with post-traumatic stress disorder. I have been reading self-help books in the past, even when I wasn't diagnosed with mental health. I am a free-spirited person, an amiable person. I love meeting people, and nothing has bothered me before. I thought I was solid and was ready to get up and back up again. I ditched different accidents and heartaches in the past, managed with a steel heart, and moved on. 

I took the courage to migrate to Canada a few years back, thinking that the only way to make me happy was to earn something for myself and support my family back home. I went to a place where I would go independently, away from my sheltering family. I once got bullied in my university years before, but I didn't back down. I took the leap of faith. They said that the bullies' stop is to show them you are invincible. From then on, I thought nobody could break me because I was able to conquer that moment. The challenging part of getting bullied is when the bullies are the people you can trust but betray you. People you considered by blood alienated you and crashed and burned you. I thought I survived it all. Then I met my husband. It was the most beautiful thing that ever happened in both of our lives. But in every beautiful story, there are always unpleasant things that will come. By the sudden change in our priorities, the odds were against it all. A Big Ratched who was so calculated and learning every move of the subjects to control, including us, tried to destroy the love between my husband and me.

Over time, I had little to no trust until the time that was supposed to be our bundle of joy turned into an ordeal. Negligence happened, and now people are washing their hands to cover them up. 

As years went by, I would have anxiety attacks and depression episodes. It was hard at first because I didn't believe it. It wasn't recognized in Filipino culture as we are a country of Catholic prayerful people that always lean on prayer, and God will hear you. I am not mocking God over this, it's just that as I mature, the prayer works, and we are receiving abundance from Him, but the hole of the problem seems to get bigger and bigger. I feel like my relationship with Him is very distant that I don't touch him. 

I am severely suffering from anxiety and depression, and it's already wreaking havoc on my body. My attacks and depression are snowballing and getting bigger until it explodes. My mental health is also hampering my daily life as a mother, a wife, and just being me as a woman. I have been praying to God to keep us all healthy, but I don't feel like he listens to me. I am doing my best to live a healthy lifestyle, but my mind is consumed and overwhelmed. I developed health anxiety, and one physical symptom is already catastrophic in my brain. 

My therapist told me this is a series of trauma that happened in my life that distorted my brain waves, and I react differently in stressful situations. My body releases so many stress hormones that exhaust my body, and that can cause whatever symptoms I have. I feel guilty over my condition because all I want is for my family and to take care of them. The guilt that I think I am not capable of because I have episodes of attacks affects my family. I love them; however, my illness is showing otherwise. On this journey of my mental health, I learned that sometimes it's okay not to be okay. When more stressors come, I hope that I am ready to battle them because my kids will be growing up, and more challenges will come. I cannot let this illness take over me. Of course, I know that God hears me as I surrender everything to Him.